#humor

"Jealousy [10w] Jealousy's like being reprimanded for a crime you haven't committed."

"The chimes were clinging in the wind. Or were they clanging, and clinging to hope?"

"Intelligent men are dangerous."

"You don't always have to kiss a lot of frogs to recognize a prince when you find one -Henrietta Barett"

"One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace."

"Mainstream news wants to keep you as a useful idiot. Instead, try being a non-useful idiot."

"I don't really like coffee, she said, but I don't really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either."

"Come to think of it, she did not speak a word. Yet I could have sworn she had the most beautiful voice."

"I watched the leaves change colors, and I thought, “People do that too. Their hair changes color as they age.” I remember that as my grandpa got older, his hair went from green to yellow to red, like a traffic light, only with slightly less honking."

"There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?"And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?"

"I can only assume,"said Jace, "that mortal emotions amuse you because you have none of your own."

"I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat."

"People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy.-- Circular Letter to My Friends in Italy"

"A slinky is a toy made for stairs, but that’s entirely too tiresome. What about a toy for escalators that doesn’t move and does nothing and that’s the whole point? I think Americans would relate to and embrace that mentality."

"Women should have nipples on their butts. From a design perspective, I think it would revolutionize the fashion industry."

"Party Hat [10w] Circus clowns, Frenchmen, and sanitation workers look better in party-hats.."

"I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment."

"A witch, a vampire, and a pixy walk into a bar, I thought as I led the way into the Squirrel’s End. It was early, and the sun had yet to set when the door swung shut behind Jenks, sealing us in the warm air smelling faintly of smoke. Immediately Nick yanked it open to come in behind us. And there’s the punch line."

"Shuck it,” Minho responded. “I’m tougher than nails. I could still kick your pony-lovin’ butt with twice this pain.” Thomas shrugged. “I do love ponies. Wish I could eat one right now."

"I like coffee tables. I’m into drinkable furniture."