#humor

"Are you any good at it?""Pulling idiots out of the snow? I'm the best."

"No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's . . .""And?""No damn cat, and no damn cradle."

"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

"Silver is an investment. It’s like a second-place future. Makes me want to create Michael Phelps-flavored ice cream and eat a whole tub."

"By the Angel,"Jace said, looking the demon up and down. "I knew Greater Demons were meant to be ugly, but no one ever warned me about the smell."Abbadon opened its mouth and hissed. Inside its mouth were two rows of jagged glass-sharp teeth."I'm not sure about this wind and howling darkness business,"Jace went on, "smells more like landfill to me. You sure you're not from Staten Island?"

"I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,"he grunted, "It relaxes me.""It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably."

"Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway."

"My heart can hold all the love you give me. If you need to quantify it to properly price it for sale, it would be one gallon."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others."

"I love the Swedish people for their detective novels, their archipelago, their sense of humor, their carbonated vodka, and most especially, for their wonderful hospitality."

"Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I'm changing it to 'God Hates Baguettes.' It's tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes."

"We played for about half an hour before I realized we were actually playing two different games. What I’d thought of as ludo was actually a game called gin rummy, and what Warren was playing seemed to be a mixture of craps and table tennis. Once we started playing by one consistent set of rules, though, the fun was really over."

"Love speaks to the heart like a mime to a mute."

"Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything."

"I know a thing or two about love. Well, maybe just a thing. A big, blurry thing, like Bigfoot."

"The words “I love you” swim and swarm as they swirl and form fluidly, and if you are thirsty then how I feel about you is an extra large—with free refills."

"Grandma's Advice on Ambition "Children, if you aim for the stars you'll be impaled by small meteorites and become toast."

"Flood of Feeling {Couplet} A flood of feeling is a poem,created from daydreaming in the zone.The levees break, emotions snake,from imagination's ocean who sets the stakes."

"Enemies of My Enemies Who knew the enemies of my enemies were good dancers."

"At church, during communion, they give out free wine. Whoa! Talk about a great place to drink and meet women."