#humor

"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."

"We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare.""Scrabble?"He sounds surprised. "Scrabble's great.""Not when you're playing with a family of geniuses, it's not. They all put words like 'iridiums'. And I put 'pig'."

"Nebraska State Motto Equality before the law.Where Monsanto/GMO corn is above the law."

"I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell"all the time."

"Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse."

"So much good, so much evil. Just add water."

"Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know."

"You know what I like most about people? Pets."

"Once the others were below, Hazel and Leo faced each other awkwardly. They were alone except for Coach Hedge, who was back on the quarterdeck singing the Pokémon theme song. The coach had changed the words to: Gotta Kill ’Em All, and Leo really didn’t want to know why."

"Jace suggested that the cast of "Gilligan's Island"could go do something anatomically unlikely with themselves."

"I like my coffee like Colfax Avenue mixed with Atlantic Boulevard, and if you're buying then I'm driving. Let's sip this romance slowly."

"I had a dream about you last night. The best day of my life was when I taught you how to juggle, but the best day of yours was when you taught someone else."

"I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber gloves at home. Unless you enjoy networking in public restrooms."

"Poetry in a Bottle [10w] If you could bottle poetry you'd have one addictive drink."

"A raisin on the ground is full of hope that if it just keeps aging, it will turn into wine and get drunk on its wrinkly self."

"And, drunk with my own madness, I shouted at him furiously, "Make life beautiful! Make life beautiful!"

"I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you."

"Any game plan? Xypher asked Sin.Don't die.I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me.Kat scoffed at his sarcasm. What are you bitching about, Xypher? You're already dead.He laughed. You know, for once, it's good to be me."

"Now, I'm Not Born Yet [10w] I brought a sundial to a flight crossing the International-Date-Line."

"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale."