#humor

"With no reason to hide these words I feel, and no reason to talk about the books I read, but still, I do."

"Writer's Prayers That Don't Work "Lord, lead me from the banality of everyday life,to the gleaming one beneath the surface."

"I don’t ask writers about their work habits. I really don’t care. Joyce Carol Oates says somewhere that when writers ask each other what time they start working and when they finish and how much time they take for lunch, they’re actually trying to find out, "Is he as crazy as I am?"I don’t need that question answered."

"In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing."

"When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car."

"Watching Jace hug Isabelle, she tried to school her features into a happy and loving expression."Are you all right?"Simon asked, with some concern. "Your eyes are crossing."

"Your as slow as a fat kid on crutches"

"I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet."

"Thai-kus From the dark starfishof the 300 Baht whoremy white sperm bubbles.Reclining BuddhaBirds nest in your golden ears.What wisdom they hear."

"How do new watches catch up with old watches that have had more time to get a head start? This is what I pondered while I waited on her to fall in love with me."

"Love Haiku Sumerian whoregrabs my wedge, says: 'I love aman in cuneiform."

"Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--"

"I'm all for all for one, especially when I'm the one. That's my philosophy when the dinner bill arrives at the table."

"I make love like my afternoon shadow is long. I'll bring the foreplay, if you bring the guacamole. (Yes, I know there is a 99-cent upcharge.)"

"Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome."

"Vacations for Souls [10w] When souls are bored in Heaven they vacation in Hell."

"I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability."

"In the name of the Pizza Lord. Charge!"

"He f**ks even better than he looks”, I settled on saying. Several heads turned. I didn’t care; I was pissed. “And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don’t you worry."

"She bats her eyelashes like I’m throwing baseballs at them. I must be as romantic as Pete Rose’s last name."