#humor

"You don’t know her like I do, because you don’t know her like I don’t. It’s true, I don’t know her at all. What’s she like?"

"George Bush isn't Hitler. He could be if he applied himself."

"The English novels are the only relaxation of the intellectually unemployed. But one should not be too severe on them. They show a want of knowledge that must be the result of years of study."

"Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources"

"I called his broken promise heartbreaking, and he called it growing up. Oh, that’s mature—blame it on maturity."

"As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?"

"No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth."

"A Matter of Perspective I see rain dancing on the stage of the pond.Fish see heaven throwing a thousand kisses.My wife see a drizzle of olive oil on a pot of spaghetti. The scientist sees condensation and precipitation.The rain sees reincarnation.A poet see them all in permutation."

"She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it."

"So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you're saying?"

"You catch more flies with honey than you do with chopsticks. Let this be a lesson in love."

"I had to hand it to him, leaving the empty glove lying on the bed was an apt metaphor for love. Two things I can say about my grandpa are that he is wise, and his left hand is probably cold."

"I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself."

"No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session."

"Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain."

"Haven't you ever heard that modesty is an attractive trait?""Only from ugly people,"Jace confided. "The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me."He winked at the girls, who giggled and hid behind their hair."

"The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was."

"Some kids get called 'bundles of joy' or 'slices of heaven' or 'dreams come true.' We got 'the fifty-fourth generation of DNA experiments.' Doesn't have the same warm and fuzzy feel. But maybe I'm oversensitive."

"Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers."

"God May Grant Your Wishes Daily [10w] Pray for sunshine at night and moonbeams when you wake."