Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"My love burns for you like I’m an arsonist and marshmallows-on-sticks salesman. $2.99 each, or 5 for $10."

"I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights."

"Poor is the man who thinks money makes him wealthy. Love is the true treasure, and the more you give away, the more you have."

"I peddle my wares as fast as I pedal my bicycle and petal my flowers, and that’s why my sales growth seems so slow. But given time, my brand will be in full bloom."

"I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy."

"I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy."

"I haven't measured it, but I'll bet cat purrs vibrate at a healing frequency. Also, a whispered I love you almost certainly resonates with heart and DNA repair."

"Entrepreneurs adopt the ways of the adept and adapt to a changing environment. Actually, entrepreneurs are more enterpreneurs, because they are forever entering into new territory."

"If I were hairy, would you vacuum my chest before we made love? I’d probably have enough chip crumbs in it to feed the homeless, because I’m a charitable kind of guy."

"Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have to pay for."

"Her beauty took my breath away, and allowed the spring breeze to fill my lungs with honeysuckle, jasmine, and desire."

"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy started because of a thumb's up I gave to Douglas Adams on his birthday as I said, "Happy 42."#OutBoastKanye"

"I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it."

"I drink coffee like steam is the ghost of dead water. Ever tried inhaling the afterlife?"

"Better than learning how to speak a foreign language, is to start speaking the truth. But few people will listen, because they just don’t understand."

"A mini self-sacrifice is made when you force your heart to wait. I’ve got mine set on a timer, so I can do other things, like chase women."

"What if guns shot clouds, rather than bullets? Then they’d not only be peaceful, but they’d be delayed water guns. Is there a Nobel Farm Prize?"

"I'm all for all for one, especially when I'm the one. That's my philosophy when the dinner bill arrives at the table."

"Wisdom is knowing when you are being patient, and when you are wasting time by waiting."

"The internet is a knowledge omelet. Sometimes I just want the purity of scrambled eggs that only a book can provide."