Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"All thoughts, secret or spoken, belong in a coffee table book written in Braille, so you can really feel the emotions."

"I just developed a gun that shoots mustaches. Sometimes a disguise can be deadly, especially if it’s your love you’re trying to camouflage."

"She said she'd love me forever. That was two days ago, so I should probably ask her again if she still feels the same way."

"For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were."

"She’s ignoring my texts. Maybe she’s dead. Oh, I certainly hope so. I’d hate to think she’s being deliberately unresponsive."

"Me and her, we’re both hiding who we really are. This is a common practice. It’s called dating."

"When you find yourself in hot water, what else can you do but make a spot of tea? I still have a spot of tea on my shirt from yesterday."

"The wind is my favorite color. It reminds me of the love she painted on my life as she blew past me."

"I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder."

"She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking."

"I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When are you going to wake up and drink it?"

"The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, "I love you.""Oh my God,"I thought. "Somebody's obsessed with me, and they kidnapped my girlfriend just to get closer to me."