Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I wouldn’t feel great if you left me alone, but I wouldn’t feel bad either. I’d feel good, like I always do, which has nothing to do with you, even if you’ll have nothing to do with me."

"Nothing carries meaning. People carry meaning. We are the porters of importance."

"I don't own the sunset, but I have a free yearly membership to stream whenever it's on, and this is a life perk that makes me wealthy."

"Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat."

"Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time."

"I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two."

"I wholesale wholesome, and sometimes I even halfsale it. But even when I halfsale, I still charge 100%. That’s the Zeno Discount."

"If I could convert books to wine, I’d start with The Grapes of Wrath. I’ve never read it, but maybe tonight I’ll be thirsty enough."

"The words I love you form an oral floral phrase that's so fragrant it can overpower even the most flagrantly foul-mouthed utterance."

"Once a Ponce a time she made me feel like a conquistador. Now her memory is just a breeze seen in swaying Spanish moss."

"I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her Facebook page like a normal person, but that doesn’t seem as romantic as surveillance and GPS tracking."

"Gold is liquid sunlight frozen in time, and that’s why I love the way ice melts in vodka. I also love the way ice melts in vodka. I’ll have another shot, if you’ll reload the revolver."

"Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go."

"I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover."

"It’s 4:00 in the afternoon and I’m just now putting on clothes. The life of a writer is as free as the pizza I just had delivered is not."

"The size of your sighs tell how deeply you’re in love. How I feel is very much like a stressed and distressed midget trying to breathe."

"You are not your body. You are the sum of all your actions, and they live on after your body dies. You may be mortal, but your brand is eternal."

"Relationships are like water. If you grab tight, clamping and clenching to gain control, you’ll lose it all. Instead, cup your hand gently, so she feels free to drink until her thirst is quenched."

"You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my legs."

"Treasure isn’t always gold, silver, and gems. Sometimes it’s furry and purring. Happy Cuddle-with-your-cat Day!"