Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I don’t want to develop—I want to evelop, because it’s more positive. Similarly, would you rather your love evolve or devolve? That’s why if you need me, I’ll be on the sofa trying to evelop myself as a person."

"I used to sell hellos by the wave until I found out Dark Jar Tin Zoo was reselling them on eBay as goodbyes. Now I’m a yawn distributor."

"I’m a little more reserved in person than people expect. But I warm up quickly, like leftovers. Meatloaf, anyone?"

"If you’re going to hang around and watch me write, you might as well have a noose around your neck. Would you mind if I kicked the chair out from under your feet? You’re standing on my only place to sit."

"She's beautiful, but so what? If the University of Florida taught me anything, it's that beautiful women are everywhere. The trick is to find the diamond among all the glittering cubic zirconias."

"Trying to hide my feelings to avoid getting hurt just ends up hurting not only myself—but also the person I am hiding my feelings from."

"Love is a process, either growing or shrinking, but never stagnant. My love for you was David, and now it is Goliath. Also, my love for you was Goliath, and now it is David."

"Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her."

"My love burns for you like I’m an arsonist and marshmallows-on-sticks salesman. $2.99 each, or 5 for $10."

"I’m a master of encouragement. Why should I do work myself when the price of getting others to do it for me is as cheap as cheering them on?"

"In these modern times, the only sensible thing to be is nonsensical."

"Opportunity is not your opponent—it is your ally, but it’s hard to see that because opportunity is often camouflaged and hidden among danger and chaos."

"I like knocking on strangers’ doors, and when they answer and say hello, I respond, “I have returned, as prophesied.” Then I just stand there staring at them."

"Networking is like fishing. Just give some beer and a boat and I’ll be in business."

"If you don't think you need to develop your personal brand, my advice for you comes in the wisdom of two road signs: STOP; DEAD END."

"I drank her essence, and it’s like she never existed and now I’m thirsty again. Let this be a lesson in love."

"My heart is locked away in a cage surrounded by ribs. That’s to protect it, and to keep the world safe. It’s currently serving a life sentence."

"If there’s gold in it, then the mine is mine. And if there’s no coffee in it, then the cup is yours."

"I fight like a rocking chair in a boxing ring. That’s also how I make love. I should probably sell popcorn at my shows to boost revenue."

"The wind may be invisible, but it’s colored by memories of you, as you gently blew into my life, adding motion and emotion to my still-beating heart."