Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom."

"A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love."

"If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs)."

"I think I’m mouth blind and that’s why all food tastes bland. The only things that have any flavor are the words I love you."

"The word very will vary in muchiness. I love you very much, and that won’t vary from day to day."

"I count as blessings things I could have benefited from, even if I neglected to utilize them. A gift is still a gift, even if left wrapped and unopened."

"I drank so much booze I was bamboozled. Alcohol makes my mind as discombobulated as love makes my heart. I’d sure appreciate it if you poured me a large glass of romance."

"Man has two legs and chairs have four, because we were made to stand out, not sit down—or be sat on. You are your brand—you are not a piece of furniture. Well, this applies to everyone except my grandma, but she’s dead, so she really doesn’t mind being used as a coat rack."

"I used to gorge on gorgeous women, but now I look for things that can’t be seen with the eyes, but are only detected by the heart. This is love."

"Her love used to be my lighthouse, and now it feels like I'm treading water in the dark. I’ll bet as soon as I start swimming, the sun will rise and color the sky with the romance of rose."

"A squeegee is a sponge on a stick, and if there is a tangible item that’s more romantic, I don’t know what it is. Never go on a first date without one."

"Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I've always thought it prudent to bring some running shoes."

"I think I’m mouth blind and that’s why all food tastes bland. The only things that have any flavor are the words I love you."

"The salesman said the sale was happening because all the gizmos in the store had to be liquidated. It was a lot of solidfluid, and I would have bought something, but the only thing I was thirsty for was her love."

"I'm here at The Container Store looking for something large enough to hold all my love for her. It's a flood, so I hope they sell Shipping Container Ships."

"My heartbeat is a pulse, and it pumps out sonic vibrations that resonate with her mind as she lays her head on my chest. Listen silently and you can hear the frequency of love."

"I dance so fluid you’d think I’m a fish. I don’t need to drink to be able to dance—I am the drink. Have a sip and find out for yourself."

"Let us embrace each other like we have the arms of two chairs. Let us dance like our legs are those of a table. We should do dinner sometime."

"I love deeply. I love long. I love wide and high. That's right, my love is interdimensional, and my vortex will heal your body and soul."

"Before the NSA there was the Catholic Church. What is confessional if not a place to gather secrets? No wonder the church had all the power."