Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I find Bukowski to be so edgy, gritty, and daring that he oozes romance, and if couples read him in bed they would appreciate what they have."

"If you own the most profitable manure distribution warehouse in the world, you might not like the smell of success."

"Water is translucent, but not invisible. But a glass half full is half translucent, half invisible, and you cannot drink what you cannot see, which may be why I am so thirsty for her love."

"I network like a salmon in a bear costume. Why swim upstream when the honeybee has all the flowers? Is anything more romantic than roses on a grave?"

"I once tried to light a joint with a fire ant, but what did I know? I was high on glue and in the third grade, just like grandpa."

"My knowledge is mine to use as I see fit. But I’m way too out of shape to see fit."

"Love isn’t in a hurry like a flurry of flowery words on paper. It’s lush and slow to grow its aroma in the garden of time."

"When it’s raining, instead of using an umbrella, try holding an empty drinking glass above your head. That’s exactly how I thirst for your love."

"The Sacred and The Scared. Which of these two categories does your love fall under? I should write a love poem on a rolled-up scroll so you’d know which one categorizes mine."

"If football players wanted to protect their brains from injury they’d wear astronaut helmets. After all, astronauts have massive IQ’s, so wearing their protective headgear seems like a smart choice."

"She doesn’t want me to leave, and she doesn’t want me to stay. That’s a double helping of Doesn’t Want Me, and one big I’m Not Hungry back at her."

"If you convert a shower curtain to a dress, I’ll wear my waterproof dancing shoes. Together we’ll move so fluidly people will line up to get cleansed."

"Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff."

"For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were."

"Networking is more quality, and less quantity. It’s better to form a solid connection with one new person, than a liquid connection with ten. You don’t want people to think you drink too much."

"Patience is so valuable I'm willing to wait forever to achieve it. And while I wait, I may as well get busy being short-tempered."

"If I waste all my charity, all I’ll wind up with in the end is the wind. Still, I think I want to be the Dandelion of Love."

"I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some."

"When people ask me how I slept, I tell them I don’t know—I’ll have to ask The Professor, and read his notes on my performance."

"When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car."