humor

"A fridge will keep your steaks fresh, but keeping a live cow in grandmother’s room will keep the meat fresher. Let this be a lesson in love."

"No, I really did. I walked into that room and saw the hottest, sexiest guy I've ever seen - wet and half naked. And I said, "Ewww."I know. How am I still single, right?"

"If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."

"Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again."

"Any good humor is sophomoric. 'Sophomoric' is the liberal word for funny."

"When you say a friend has a sense of humor do you mean that he makes you laugh, or that he can make you laugh?"

"Cats are puddles of cuteness. I stepped in one the other day that was so muddy I not only had to pet it, but cuddle with it for hours."

"I have a terrible memory; I never forget a thing."

"Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here."

"Trains are great dirty smoky things,"said Will. "You won't like it."Tessa was unmoved. "I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?""I've never swum naked in the Thames before, but I know I wouldn't like it.""But think how entertaining for sightseers,"said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin."

"James - "Are you paying attention or just trying to make me look like an idoit?"Elizabeth - "Oh, I'm definately paying attention. If you look like an idiot it has nothing to do with me."

"While many of us never knew Ronald Reagan personally, we felt close to him because we shared his lighthearted sense of humor, admired his uncommon virtue, and were moved by his remarkable wisdom."

"I feel ill,"[Howl] announced. "I'm going to bed, where I may die."

"The goodbad news is she only stole half. The badgood news is she stole half. And when it’s love that’s been stolen, a hole the size of half your heart feels like the whole thing has been taken."

"Instead of committing suicide, people go to work."

"I am restless when I rest. I sleep like I’m engaged in an invisible wrestling match. Naturally, I almost always win."

"I like dark humor. My favorite movie of all time is 'Harold and Maude.'"

"Although humor is present in every one of my films, it has always been used as a way to make the darker, heavier stuff in my stories more palatable. I never set out to make 'Humpday' a comedy."

"I have never read The Joy of Crap. Sounds disgusting. I have, however, read The Joy of Sex. Not in a while, but I think it's one of those classics you can come back to again... and again."

"I had a dream about you. You were storing my brain in a pickle jar in the fridge, and I only discovered it when I went to garnish my hamburger. Mindless and hungry, I was a US politician’s ideal voter."