humor

"That's what careless words do. They make people love you a little less."

"It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one."

"Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me."

"I’m late to dinner, but I’m early to being in love. I’m such a gentleman that I hold every door open—even if the guy sitting in the bathroom stall is protesting."

"My uncle worked in emergency wards dealing with people who came in with terrible injuries. He talked about the sketch shows they would put on to lighten the atmosphere. You often find this sense of grim humor in hospitals. The injuries people are suffering are ghastly. You have to laugh at something or you'd otherwise cry."

"I like to think my sense of humor is sort of smart and dumb at the same time. I like to work on multiple levels - smart and dumb, funny and sad, profound and mundane, cynical and hopeful."

"Goodbyes, they often come in waves."

"Hoping to win the lottery to escape your existence is like waiting on a unicorn to give you a ride out of town. If you’re interested, I’m selling saddles."

"Your hair is still wet!"

"Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first."

"Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?"

"No good deed goes unpunished."

"My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same."

"So that's little Scorpious. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank god you've inherited your mother's brains."

"I always felt different as a kid, and the Kinks were like, 'Yeah, we're the Kinks.' Celebrate your difference; don't be afraid of your sense of humor, or your personality, or who you are. It emboldened me."

"The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines."

"Is your Happy Meal full of dancing? Put a box around it and sell it to kids. They could use the exercise."

"Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment."