humor

"I'm going to do a lot of weird stuff that's not going to be like me prancing around like an insane 12-year-old. I showed everybody that side of me and I think it's time to do different stuff, even when it comes down to the type of humor. I want to do some drier, weirder stuff."

"Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise."

"Harry,"Bob drawled, his eye lights flickering smugly, "what you know about women, I could juggle."

"To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time."

"When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love."

"What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing myself. Am I the ideal leader? Let’s just say that if I were running for political office, I know who I’d vote for—twice."

"Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days."

"My dad's sense of humor was direct and sometimes surreal - his quick wit is well known amongst our family and friends. He raised me on Spike Jones records and W.C. Fields movies, and his sense of humor fell somewhere in between."

"I had a dream about you. Our relationship faded from red to white, and somewhere in the middle, in the pink zone, I told you I loved you and you returned it. However, at white, our relationship went black and I sought red in the arms of another woman."

"She said she'd love me forever. That was two days ago, so I should probably ask her again if she still feels the same way."

"I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting."

"They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference."

"I'll speak for myself, but there's a lot of humor to be found in sarcasm and darkness. You talk to any paramedic, they survive by developing a pretty off-kilter sense of humor."

"I don’t eat Sloppy Joes. I eat Tidy Josephs."

"My daughter doesn't even get my humor. She's like, 'Um, no. I don't get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.'"

"I think God has a sense of humor, and the way my lessons come from God is very funny. I have to laugh at myself even if it's a tough lesson."

"Here’s to freedom, cheers to art. Here’s to having an excellent adventure and may the stopping never start."

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

"Rules and school are tools for fools! I don't give two mules for rules."

"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale."