humor

"The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was."

"The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her."

"Well sure, who doesn't need a boyfriend? but realistically, those exotic creatures are hard to come by. At least a quality one."

"I've had a very laughable career and what has seen me through is my sense of humor."

"Peter to Austin:"Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7."

"The only French word I know is oui, which means “yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e."

"I like bawdy humor. I love bawdy humor, but not dirty humor."

"She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert."

"The story so far:In the beginning the Universe was created.This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

"Where I come from, we're more about efficiency,' he replies. 'A knife like this'll skewer food, smear butter, and slit throats all at the same time."

"Well, we were always going to fail that one,"said Ron gloomily as they ascended the marble staircase. He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in the crystal ball, only to look up and realize he had been describing the examiner's reflection."

"As a kid, I loved 'Godot' because of the poetry and the humor and the strangeness, but then as you get older, it's much more resonant."

"I liked the humor of it, I've always enjoyed a sense of humor in God and in religion and in spirituality."

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"I'm looking into my past lives. I'm convinced some of them still owe me money."

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

"They turned to Angel. "We will call you Little One,"the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing."Okay,"said Angel agreeably. "I'll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat."He frowned."That can be his Indian name,"I suggested."

"I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her Facebook page like a normal person, but that doesn’t seem as romantic as surveillance and GPS tracking."

"If my last name were Hunter, I’d probably be a fisherman. That’s just the kind of lover I am."

"I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it."