humor

"Nobody's ever asked me to a party before, as a friend. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I do mine too?"

"Sigh""Did you just say sigh? out loud? instead of actually sighing?"Eye roll"

"App idea: in real time track trends as swarms of keywords form, and use this data to invest in the next unicorn #startup.You'll be able to ride that #startup unicorn like you are Billy the Kid, as you watch your profits shoot up."

"I love a man with a great sense of humor and who is intelligent - a man who has a great smile. He has to make me laugh. I like a man who is very ambitious and driven and who has a good heart and makes me feel safe. I like a man who is very strong and independent and confident - that is very sexy - but at the same time, he's very kind to people."

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce."

"Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives."

"I'm just very amused by five-year-old humor."

"Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed"

"And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke..."

"My ex-girlfriend was exquisite, while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present."

"I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of 'this is the song that never ends'. Putting that on me? Come on dude.."

"They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers."

"Humor can be an incredible, lacerating and effective weapon."

"Midnight is Hellen-Kelleresque, so if you ask me if I’m seeing anybody, I’ll ask you what time it is. Answers are always between 12:01 AM to 11:59 PM."

"The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense."

"I dance so fluid you’d think I’m a fish. I don’t need to drink to be able to dance—I am the drink. Have a sip and find out for yourself."

"Mysteries force a man to think, and so injure his health."

"I've had a very laughable career and what has seen me through is my sense of humor."

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of un-hatched chicks."