humor

"Our first show, 'A Little Nightmare Music,' encompasses a lot of zany humor with beautiful classical music."

"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."

"Cathy was the first widely syndicated humor strip created by a woman. The strip was pretty revolutionary at the time not only because it starred a female, but also because it was so emotionally honest about all the conflicting feelings many women had in 1976."

"A love story in six words: Hello. Goodbye. In between was marriage."

"What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course"

"With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich."

"I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so."

"Piece of Heaven?""No, that other place I'm going to go to for thinking what I'm thinking."

"My father was an electrical engineer who worked at Westinghouse in Pittsburgh. When I was growing up, my mother wrote humor columns for the local paper. She was the Erma Bombeck of Murrysville, Pa."

"Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way."

"You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn't a bad mood at all; it's just your sucky personality."

"Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby."

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

"One thing my family has shown me is that having a sense of humor is everything."

"Go sip on gossip, and leave the coffee talk for me to chug. I’ll be in the kitchen, giggling like a schoolgirl if you need me."

"Robert Walker as Bruno was excellent. He had elegance and humor, and the proper fondness for his mother."

"I don't like it when I outweigh my men."

"I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off."

"It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious."

"I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes."