humor

"[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth."

"A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man."

"Insult is powerful. Insult begets both rage and humor and often at the same time."

"I should open up a dry cleaners/pizza parlor. Extra Stain Sauce will be free, but removing it out of your clothes will cost you."

"Hoping to win the lottery to escape your existence is like waiting on a unicorn to give you a ride out of town. If you’re interested, I’m selling saddles."

"Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE."

"Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?"

"Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. But it's just that people are so sensitive and so touchy, and you're just going to upset somebody without ever realizing it."

"You know how spooky Ashwini is. She called an hour ago to tell me she has a secret stash of handheld grenade launchers she thought I might want to know about. My response was, 'What the fuck?"

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

"The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is a disaster area. Never in the field of human history has so much been used by so many to say so little."

"We fell in love like two medium pizzas in one large stomach. I wish dad would have saved a few slices for us."

"I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When are you going to wake up and drink it?"

"Margaret Atwood, the Canadian novelist, once asked a group of women at a university why they felt threatened by men. The women said they were afraid of being beaten, raped, or killed by men. She then asked a group of men why they felt threatened by women. They said they were afraid women would laugh at them."

"I had a dream about you. The seasons changed, but you did not. You were the same old person you always were, only older. And I was the same old person I always was, only younger. Yes, I’d discovered the Fountain of Youth, and since we were such old friends, I was going to let you have a swig for 10% off the suggested retail price."

"Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone."

"Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire."

"I don't think that because you die and move on to somewhere else that you lose your sense of humor."

"Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots."

"good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere"