humor

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."

"I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, "Who's the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?"

"I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha—with my clone."

"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"So why in the name of Merlin’s saggy left —”“Don’t talk to your mother like that."

"Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years."

"I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like."

"Next to power without honor, the most dangerous thing in the world is power without humor."

"Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome."

"Last time I arm-wrestled, I broke my leg. Boy, what I wouldn’t do for love."

"Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset."

"It's good to be able to laugh at yourself and the problems you face in life. Sense of humor can save you."

"She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously."

"I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up."

"Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love."

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."

"I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

"My dad is just like everybody else's dad. I see him as kind of a goofy guy with a great sense of humor. I try to get in a battle of wits with him, but he always gets me. I emulate him because I've never seen anyone work as hard as he does."