humor

"I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perfect 100."

"Progress just means bad things happen faster."

"I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter."

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

"I think great humor lies in playing the truth of a situation. I see myself as a performer and that applies to a Greek drama or a modern comedy."

"...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened."

"Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience."

"Really, these wizards! You'd think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it?"she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet."I'm dying of boredom,"Howl said pathetically. "Or maybe just dying."

"I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids."

"I'm not 17 anymore. I still have some of the same sort of anger, but I have a sense of humor about it... a sense of being constructive with that anger."

"When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side."

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."

"To this day, I've found that it doesn't matter what a guy looks like if he's really funny. His sense of humor makes him attractive. On the other hand, you don't hear men saying, 'No she's not pretty, but is she ever funny!'"

"Snoring keeps the monsters away."

"I like men who have a future and women who have a past."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Quicksand is nature’s way of saying slow down. Me pushing you in quicksand is my way of saying be still and let me love you. Isn’t it funny how a lasso looks like a noose?"

"I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation."

"There is a crucifix, a few cloves of garlic, a wooden stake, a hammer, a blob of Silly Putty, and a pocketknife. “You do realize these people aren’t vampires, right?” I say when Sam walks back in. “Yeah, but you never know. They’re probably crazy, like you said.” “And even if we were hunting vampires, what the hell is the Silly Putty for?” He shrugs. “Just want to be prepared."

"Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me."