humor

"Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream."

"When I die of heart failure the next time you frighten me like that, you can put that on my gravestone —‘I didn’t mean to startle her"

"I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When are you going to wake up and drink it?"

"Alec looked at her and shook his head. "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?"Isabelle shrugged philosophically. "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."

"Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body."

"Jace suggested that the cast of "Gilligan's Island"could go do something anatomically unlikely with themselves."

"I think being funny is not anyone's first choice."

"There's plenty of room for humor in politics, God knows, but it's a serious business."

"I run like I walk—only slower. And I make love like a one-man circus show."

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher."

"A tornado is the ultimate coffee grinder. Just add water, and you’ll wake the whole trailer park."

"I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one."

"I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory."

"My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for."

"There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor."

"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."

"Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius."

"I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me."

"We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville."