humor

"Oh, goodie,"Puck said as I stepped forward. "I'm going to have a rash in the most uncomfortable places."

"Geez, you guys. I know I'm popular and all, but seriously, you're a bit too co-dependent for me. I'm going to need you to step away from my personal bubble."A wispy vine-woman curled ivy tendrils around his arm, and he sliced through them with his dagger. "No! Bad Wraith! No touchie!"

"It's a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really."

"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."

"Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."

"I had eggs for breakfast. I ate them off the hood of a politician’s car, after I threw them there."

"There exists a big circus tent, and the right entrance is named The Republicans, and the left entrance is called The Democrats. People argue over which is the correct path, not realizing everyone inside is a clown."

"Hazel!” he yelled. “That box! Open it!”She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN. “Open it!” Leo yelled again."

"The philosopher Diogenes was eating bread and lentils for supper. He was seen by the philosopher Aristippus, who lived comfortably by flattering the king. Said Aristippus, 'If you would learn to be subservient to the king you would not have to live on lentils.'Said [author:Diogenes|3213618, 'Learn to live on lentils and you will not have to be subservient to the king"."

"If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt."

"If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public."

"I think it's a brilliant tool to have, not only to have a sense of humor, but to be able to use humor to help one navigate life, and I tend not to be that type of person. I wish I were."

"I don't think my sense of humor has changed at all; I was born with this, for better or for worse."

"Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention."

"He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit.Her nose wrinkled. "Step in something?"she asked innocently."That I did not mind."He took a menacing step toward her. "What I did mind was being hit by a cab, then landing on the lap of a naked man. With an erection, Anya. He had an erection."

"Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice."

"My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast."

"Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some."

"A good sense of humor will get you everywhere."

"Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold."