humor

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."

"I think I'm too cynical for L.A. My sense of humor doesn't go down well here, which probably affects my love life. I need to have a laugh track following me around so people know I'm trying to be funny."

"Steel wool—it’s not just for washing dirty dishes. It also makes great underwear material. It’ll cure that itch to take on a lover by making you scratch."

"Now stand in the corner, and think about what you've done!"

"I past another telkhine, who was so startled he dropped his Lil' Demons lunch box. I left him alive - partly because he had a cool lunch box..."

"My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."

"Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven."

"Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."

"You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound."

"Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo.""And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand,"said Jace."

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

"Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!"

"You look too pretty to be useful.""Truer words were never spoken."

"I don't think that I could have survived in my family without a naughty sense of humor; yeah, absolutely. I think my brother and I both get our senses of humor from our parents. I mean, my mother was absolutely hilarious and foul. She had the most ridiculously off color sense of humor, so that was sort of what we grew up with."

"Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people."

"Pooh,"said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain.""I know,"said Pooh humbly."

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason"

"We made love like flamingoes are pink. You know what else was pink? My cheeks, because I was so embarrassed when I found out that she was the wrong woman."

"Hermione launched herself forwards and started punching every inch of him that she could reach.'Ouch — ow — gerroff! What the — ? Hermione — OW!'“You — complete — arse — Ronald — Weasley!”She punctuated every word with a blow: Ron backed away, shielding his head as Hermione advanced."

"Almost everything strange washes up near Miami."