humor

"Wisdom is knowing when you are being patient, and when you are wasting time by waiting."

"You don't need a search warrant to go through someone's trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up."

"I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor."

"I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker."

"What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey."

"She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date we’ll knit the blanket we’ll make love under."

"William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?"

"Rock 'n' roll is not red carpets and MySpace friends, rock'n'roll is dangerous and should piss people off"

"We made love like two coiled up fire hoses. When there’s no fire in the romance, why not act like a couple of sleeping snakes?"

"I don't want to be a man,"said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.""Well,"said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job."

"It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-""You invented the internet?"It was my idea, Martha said.Rats are delicious, George said."It was my idea!"Hermes said. "I mean the internet, not the rats. But that's not the point."

"Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto"

"I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it."

"There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal."

"Don't run I never liked fast food"

"Our brand of democracy is hard. But I can promise that a year from now, when I no longer hold this office, I'll be right there with you as a citizen - inspired by those voices of fairness and vision, of grit and good humor and kindness that have helped America travel so far."

"I’d rather have 100% of 5 than 50% of 10—especially with love."

"She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression."

"I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser."

"If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember."