humor

"Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life."

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

"I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win."

"... for most practical purposes, Tarbean had two parts: Waterside and Hillside. Waterside is where people are poor. That makes them beggars, thieves and whores. Hillside is where people are rich. That makes them solicitors, politicians and courtesans."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"I’m taller in tolerance than I am in height. Barely. I’m only 6’3, so I apologize for not being more understanding."

"Sometimes when I try to make jokes or have a sense of humor in interviews, it doesn't go over very well. But Twitter made my life easier in this way that I didn't expect. It would have taken probably 10 times as long for people to accept my voice and my sense of humor if I didn't have Twitter."

"Even the ocean waves take their hellos to the people all the time. I should take my hellos down to the beach and sell waves to the tourists."

"A book without potty humor is like a banana split without hot fudge. It can still be good, I suppose, but you kinda get the feeling that something is missing."

"Daddy was hilarious. He could take the most mundane event and tell it so that we all on the floor laughing. He trained me in the joys of humor."

"Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising."

"In a way, a lot of my humor comes from presenting things that are dramatic or shocking and then people not having socially appropriate responses, having people denying the drama by failing to react to it, and that's a really classic form of humor."

"We're all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we've got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, 'Hey, we're all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here.' We need to have a sense of humor about it; that's kind of the way I've always faced my comedy."

"I never particularly thought of myself as great with girls. I can be awkward, and I have a strange sense of humor at times. But I've also been learning to try and embrace that."

"Brianna dropped the skateboard in front of Sam. "Don't worry: I won't let you fall off.""Yeah? Then why did you bring the helmet?"Brianna tossed it to him. "In case you fall off."

"I resisted the urge to hurl my plate at him. “Of course not, Ian. It’s just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard."

"Erre es korakas, Blinky!"Dionysus cursed. "I will have your soul!"