#Funny

"Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? I know, because yesterday was in a bad mood, and I guess I must have frowned too much because this morning I woke up with a torn groin muscle."

"The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you."

"However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are."

"He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?""Like what?""Like hitting on you.""Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way."Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee."What? You think he does?""Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.""Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?""Not enough coffee."

"What the hell is that?"I laughed."It's my fox hat.""Your fox hat?""Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.""Why are you wearing your fox hat?"I asked."Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox."

"Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it."

"Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright."

"I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared."

"I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy."

"Those who knew Lincoln described him as an extraordinarily funny man. Humor was an essential aspect of his temperament. He laughed, he explained, so he did not weep."

"If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting."

"The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery."

"Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I really mean when I say we want to shock society into awareness? Do we mean we want more originality and individuality? Less TV, more reading, writing, actual thinking? Less sheep, more shepherd pie? Yes, yes, and a little more pie, please. Oh, and some more sweet tea, too"

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."

"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."

"Please, touch me, I pray."

"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."

"I am your Prince and you will marry me,"Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse.""I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.""I am your loyal servant and I just did.""Refusal means death.""Kill me then."

"There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about."

"It's a funny old world."