#Funny

"I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it."

"A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you."

"Aunt Mercy put down her tiles, one at a time. I-T-C-H-I-N.Aunt Grace leaned closer to the board, squinting. "Mercy Lynne, you're cheatin' again! What kinda word is that? Use it in a sentence.""I'm itchin' ta have some a that white cake.""That's not how you spell it."At least one of them could spell. Aunt Grace pulled one of the tiles off the board. "There's no T in itchin'."Or not."

"Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that."

"Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky."

"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."

"Sure, I am funny and have a good sense of humor. Mostly, though, I just tell the truth. The internal dialogue people have in their heads - I just write it."

"I don't have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place."

"The best birthday present I ever got from my grandpa was a skinny black tie. It didn’t come in a bag, a box, or even rolled up in tissue paper. It came wrapped in wisdom. As soon as he gave it to me he said, “A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him. That‘s why I bought you a black one."

"My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn.""She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action."-Ranger and Stephanie"

"I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs."

"Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times."

"Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other."

"I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers."

"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."

"I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot of art from me."

"..."vers libre,"(free verse) or nine-tenths of it, is not a new metre any more than sleeping in a ditch is a new school of architecture."

"Oh God, Oh God we’re all gonna die doesn’t really fit the definition of banter, now does it?"

"I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires."