#Funny

"Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by."

"No need, no, need. Life is already too short to find it."

"Life is too fleet for onomatopoeia."

"I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time."What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?"

"One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace."

"He thinks things through too much."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though."

"I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like "Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah,"and "Ooooh that's it,"and "Whose hands are those?"

"I don't want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much."

"She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride."

"If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up."

"I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up."

"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings."

"The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'"

"The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies."

"Well, I mean, if a joke or humor is bawdy, it's got to be funny enough to warrant it. You can't just have it bawdy or dirty just for the sake of being that - it's got to be funny."

"She should have remembered her past experiences in the relationship wars and not let herself get so excited. Evidently her hormones had overruled her common sense and she had become drunk on ovarian wine, the most potent, sanity- destroying substance in the universe."

"She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing… "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty."Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim."

"If it gets laughs, it's funny."