#Funny

"Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"I told her I'd rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist."

"I appreciate humor so much, but I'm actually not a funny girl."

"You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself."

"I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?"

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one is for you."

"Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work."

"About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home."

"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."

"I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out."

"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."

"A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed."

"Emergency Valve Regulators,"she repeated. "So you do know what your doing?"Not really,"he said yanking another wire. 'I made up that term to keep you happy. I'm just pulling all the red wires because they're the pretty ones."

"He thinks things through too much."

"You know what I like most about people? Pets."

"Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup."

"I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have a head in a bag,"I warned him. "Do not fuck with me."

"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."

"He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet."