#Funny

"Most fools drink after one another, from a thinking cup that is empty. But I only drink after people whose cups are filled with a fluid to fascination ratio of nearly 1:1."

"That's your truck parked up by the factory isn't it?"Magnus pointed. "It's awfully butch for a bookseller."

"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."

"If I weren’t too proud, I’d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself."

"Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable."

"I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?"

"I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my grandpa always used to say, “The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish."

"Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone."

"I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone."

"I want to write a book called, "Bonfires and Bras,"which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment."

"I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield."

"For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be."

"Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true."

"Apparently the complete works of Shakespeare packed quite a wallop. To think, my mother said I'd never find use for an English degree. Ha! I'd like to see her knock someone silly with an apron and a cookie press."

"I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?"

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

"What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?"

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."

"I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible."

"I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm."