#Funny

"Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.""The plant war,"Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?"

"Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you."

"I sneaked out to his house a couple times in the middle of the night to watch over him while he slept, just in case, I dont know, his comic book collection decided to spontaneously combust. This was dumb and admittedly creepy in an Edward Cullen kind of way"

"Come on,"I said, taking his hand. Clutching the afghan with the other hand, he trailed down the hall after me, a snow white giant in tiny red underwear."

"Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!"

"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."

"Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though."

"Vodka in the shape of a human body would be an excellent dancing partner. I'm a bring my own chaser kind of lover."

"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."

"I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time."What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?"

"Most kids start talking by age two. I didn't say a word until I was twelve. I was just angry and defiant I guess. My first word wasn't "Mom"or "Dad."It was "No."

"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."

"Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs."

"Screw this. He’d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal—my favorite way to play."

"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it."

"It's always been this way. There were rumors about me even before I was born. It's why my mother never calls me Sobachka. She says it makes me sound like a mongrel."My heart gave a little pang at that. I'd been called plenty of names growing up."I like mongrels,"I said. "They have cute floppy ears.""My ears are very dignified."

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity."

"I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself."