#Funny

"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious."

"You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to grow as a person, you will water me with betrayal, abuse, neglect, derision, thievery, and possibly even torture."

"I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones."

"The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord."Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one."

"Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers."

"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."

"The Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is...42!"

"I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff."

"I once asked an old Japanese man why Japan decided to team up with Germany during WWII, and do you know what he told me? Well, you would if you speak Japanese, which I don’t."

"As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone."

"I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my grandpa always used to say, “The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish."

"She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea."

"Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.1. You're wearing that?2. Something smells funny.3. Where's the Tylenol?4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.5. I have a confession to make…6. My dad has a suit just like that.7. That man is hot. Look at him.8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…9. You're going to order that? Seriously?10. You're how old?"

"A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you."

"I just bought some cargo pants, so I can deliver goods at the speed of a walk. It’s an environmentally friendly #startup."

"I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now."

"My parents have always had a great sense of humor. And I really appreciate good humor in songs, witty lyrics that sneak up on you and then you listen again, and say: 'That's so funny.' John Prine's songs have always had this really witty tone."

"I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter,"said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow."