#Funny

"Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic."

"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."

"On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones."

"I’m hungry but I won’t order 18 tubs of ketchup and a spoon. No, I’ll order it because I’m thirsty, and I’ll ask for a straw."

"You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that."

"Stairs,"Valkyrie said, disappointed."Not just ordinary stairs,"Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs.""Really?""Oh, yes."She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?""They just are.""In what way?""In a magicky way."She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?""Not really."

"Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose."

"I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!"

"This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!"

"I think it's important to find humor anywhere you can. In real life, with the darkest, scariest, most intense moments, if you can find something funny, that's good."

"I want to be more like James Bond, and less like Ian Fleming."

"New streets should be Twitter friendly and be named with hashtags up front. I’d build a house on ‪#‎LoversLane‬."

"Lusty blacksmiths and naughty princesses. Now that's scary"

"Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk."

"Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box."

"You bitch!"Why is it that whenever I draw blood, I'm a bitch?"

"Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.1. You're wearing that?2. Something smells funny.3. Where's the Tylenol?4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.5. I have a confession to make…6. My dad has a suit just like that.7. That man is hot. Look at him.8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…9. You're going to order that? Seriously?10. You're how old?"