#humor

"Emotional states are fairly quick bursts of neuronal gossip. Traits, on the other hand, are more like the neuronal equivalent of committed relationships."

"I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless."

"MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT."

"I bet,"said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything."

"Would you mind if I used your kitchen sink to take a bath? I have the hygiene of a midget."

"You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years."

"A turtle is like a lizard in a bicycle helmet, and I think that’s romantic. That reminds me, I should write a love song called, “Dinner for two—plus one."

"You, Ms. Lane, are a menace to others! A walking, talking catastrophe in pink!"

"Psychotherapy [10w] If you can second guess a psychotherapist,they’re totally useless."

"Minus One [10w] We more people we fuckthe more lonely we become."

"Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!"Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!"

"I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don't know what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose."

"Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway."

"You know how to shoot?"- Emma"Yes. My dad taught me everything about gun safety. He was an expert."- Heather"What happened to him?"-Shanna"He was...shot."-Heather"

"I'm as pure as the driven slush."

"Over [10w] It's never ever over because the fat lady can't sing."

"Marriage Material For women seeking a marriage partner,a man's sense of humor trumps good looks.Unfortunately for the funnymen out there,security trumps laughter."

"My capacity for happiness,"he added, "you could fit into a matchbox without taking out the matches first"

"Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, "You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood."

"Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple."