#humor

"I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life."

"Hustling [10w] Fishing's the world's oldest profession;only the bait has changed."

"I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them."

"You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

"The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it's as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues."

"I never met a man that I didn't like."

"I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?"

"Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that."

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."

"Isn't it strange that I know you'd risk your life to save mine, but I don't even know what your favorite color is?"

"Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose."

"A witch, a vampire, and a pixy walk into a bar, I thought as I led the way into the Squirrel’s End. It was early, and the sun had yet to set when the door swung shut behind Jenks, sealing us in the warm air smelling faintly of smoke. Immediately Nick yanked it open to come in behind us. And there’s the punch line."

"I grew up once, I decided never to do it again"

"There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of un-hatched chicks."

"I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers."

"Campbell's Soup: M'm! M'm! Good!... ...even though our products have more sodium than the Dead Sea."

"I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium."

"I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?"

"As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story."

"'Tell Suzie she's a lucky cat.' Have sexier words ever been spoken?"