#humor

"It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-""You invented the internet?"It was my idea, Martha said.Rats are delicious, George said."It was my idea!"Hermes said. "I mean the internet, not the rats. But that's not the point."

"The Unspoken Speaks Volumes Stillness brackets the exchanges between lovers. Itis not the lack of sound, but an encapsulated silenceof resonance. Resonant silences stand like bookends, embracing their thoughts;though formal pleasantries vibrate the air,they are more ritual than communication.The couples true intents are articulated in the unspoken.Two bodies.One soul."

"You never get mad,” she said when their server left the table. “Except at me.”“That’s not true,” he said tightly. “Torie can get me going.”“Torie doesn’t count. You were obviously her mother in a previous life."

"Anything that doesn't take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing."

"I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I'd damn well tell him myself."

"Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know."

"Success breeds slackery. And I breed in the backery of the bakery."

"Every man has a soul, but will every man’s clone have a soul? No, because me and some scientists will have sucked them out in the lab. Why sell your soul to the devil, when you can sell your clone’s soul?"

"Closed. Plenty of time to see it later, remember?"He leads me into the courtyard, and I take the opportunity to admire his backside. Callipygian. There is something better than Notre-Dame."

"Between Portland and Seattle is a mint factory, and they made sweets like we made sweet love, and America needs more manufacturers like us."

"There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them."

"I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact."

"Emotional states are fairly quick bursts of neuronal gossip. Traits, on the other hand, are more like the neuronal equivalent of committed relationships."

"Suicide Note [10w] "Don't ask why I committed suicide.Question why everybody doesn’t."

"I have rubbed shoulders with the rich, the powerful, and the armless. It’s how to network when handshakes aren’t an option."

"Credo of a Substitute Teacher I'm a 'sugar free' substitute teacher.I speak frankly and never gave any of my studentsa single word of encouragement.Why should I? Even after 10 years the school hasn't given me a pension, health insurance or paid sick leave.So fuck 'em.Fuck 'em all."

"Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: It's the cheesiest... ...advertising slogan ever!"

"IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT /MEANT/ TO BE SAFE."

"I had a dream about you. You were storing my brain in a pickle jar in the fridge, and I only discovered it when I went to garnish my hamburger. Mindless and hungry, I was a US politician’s ideal voter."

"I’ve only been in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky finger. I could have held up my index finger, but I wasn’t in love that long."