#humor

"God helps those who strut their stuff."

"You possess other people's...bodies."He accepted that statement with a nod."Do you want to possess my body?""I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that's not one of them."

"Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold."

"I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness."

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

"Looks like Kelsey wins the award for early riser. And doesn’t she look purtier than a pat of butter meltin’ all over a stack of griddle cakes?"

"Every time we start thinking we're the center of the universe, the universe turns around and says with a slightly distracted air, 'I'm sorry. What'd you say your name was again?"

"Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body."

"The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?"

"I had a dream about you. You were storing my brain in a pickle jar in the fridge, and I only discovered it when I went to garnish my hamburger. Mindless and hungry, I was a US politician’s ideal voter."

"Trophies are clutter at best, and weapons at worst. I prefer my awards heavy and with handles."

"And next time you're planning to injure yourself to get me attention, just remember that a little sweet talk works wonders."

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right."

"I had a dream about you. Dinner for two turned into dinner for three when you told me you were pregnant. I was excited, but a little nervous, because we were at a fancy restaurant and I only had enough money in my wallet to pay for two. So being the gentleman I am, I suggested that we skip out on the bill after we were finished eating."

"I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour."

"How to Treat Your Lover {Couplet} If you want to learn how your lover best to treat,Pretend each time is the last time you'll ever meet."

"My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism."

"They'd Rather Switch [10w] Hearing is wasted on the blind;sight, on the deaf."

"And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't."

"All the world is queer save thee and me, and even thou art a little queer."