#humor

"Enmity Enmity is the soul of shit."

"Instead of committing suicide, people go to work."

"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want for nothing. He makes me lie down in the green pastures. He greases up my head with oil. He gives me kung-fu in the face of my enemies. Amen"

"She talks like you. It’s not every day you hear a four-year-old say Prince Charming is a douchebag who’s only holding Cinderella back.” "That’s my girl."

"I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?'If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?"

"The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but they were listening in gibberish."

"In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated."

"Regardless of what I think about Islam or Wicca or any other religion, the fact is that it's a group of people. Every faith has its ceremonies. And since it's made up of people, every faith also has its assholes."

"An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps"

"If my favorite three letters are X, Z, and Q, then my favorite word is Xazaqazax. It means “a lover of love."

"The last 33 years of my life have been a blur, like a hummingbird’s beating wings. Time flies, but not backwards, like a hummingbird can."

"Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."

"I think a cool #startup would be a company that makes Finish line tape, for marathons. In the long run, it could be very profitable."

"I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway."

"Coin a new word and hear it jingle in your pocket with all your other change. My love for you is sofacouchsitsitting, so you’d better buckle up."

"Damien has died and gone straight to gay boy heaven,' Shaunee said..."

"As Dead As "Nothing's changed at my place of birth.It is as dead as I remember leaving it."

"I want to kidnap kids and force them to take useless tests all day long. Wait, that’s what our public education system already does."

"I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him."

"I left a jar in the doorway to leave the door ajar, but love never walked in."