#humor

"There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants."

"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."

"I ripped my left arm out of his hand and slammed my elbow into his solar plexus. He exhaled in a gasp. I lunged for the dagger and sat on top of him, my knees pinning his arms, my dagger on his throat.He lay still. “I give up,” he said and smiled. “Your move.”Er. I was sitting atop the Beast Lord in my underwear, holding a knife to his throat. What the hell was my next move?"

"With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich."

"I wasn't saying whatever they're saying I was saying. I'm sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still don't know quite what I've done. I've tried to tell you what I did do but if you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy, then OK, I'm sorry."

"You know your Lamborghini is on fire, right?"

"I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital."

"Il Principe 2015: Lesson 2 ~ Shit If you're going to run for public office,you must first scrape the shit off your shoe,or the stink will follow you."

"A witch, a vampire, and a pixy walk into a bar, I thought as I led the way into the Squirrel’s End. It was early, and the sun had yet to set when the door swung shut behind Jenks, sealing us in the warm air smelling faintly of smoke. Immediately Nick yanked it open to come in behind us. And there’s the punch line."

"I have a terrible memory; I never forget a thing."

"Amputees Smart phones and the internet are the prosthetics our century cannot live without.Until we can put them down to take a quiet walk in the woods,we are all amputees."

"Brianna dropped the skateboard in front of Sam. "Don't worry: I won't let you fall off.""Yeah? Then why did you bring the helmet?"Brianna tossed it to him. "In case you fall off."

"You can read minds, and you didn't tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He looked away. “Are you doin’ it now? You're doin’ it, aren't you? Dude, get out of my head.” He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.“I can't read your mind, you idiot."

"Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything."

"Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?"

"I have the superhero gift of invisibility. I must be invisible, because the woman I love doesn’t see me. I might as well be into Helen Keller."

"I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here."

"She had not made a decision to give up sex, only the clamor of romance, because it was exhausting her, doing her no good and too much harm..."

"I spent most of my youth hauling sides of beef and pork to my father's shop. Carrying you is far more enjoyable.""How sweet,"Annabelle mumbled sickly, her eyes closed. "Every woman dreams of being told that she's preferable to a dead cow."

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."