#humor

"Amazon.com Amazon.com is the Church of Consumer Capitalismwhose ethics demands we know the price of everything,the value of absolutely nothing of true moral valueand most importantly ~Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought."

"I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal."

"You wanted to lick my face the first time you saw me? Is that usually what you do when you’re attracted to guys?” I shake my head. “Not your face, your dimple. And no. You’re the only guy I’ve ever had the urge to lick.” He smiles at me confidently. “Good. Because you’re the only girl I’ve ever had the urge to love."

"...cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off--damn ankle straps!--or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos."

"It has been well said that an author who expects results from a first novel is in a position similar to that of a man who drops a rose petal down the Grand Canyon of Arizona and listens for the echo."

"Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all."

"They (penguins) then fall madly in love and live happily ever after.-And so you ask yourself: "If a penguin can have a worthwhile, stimulating relationship, why the hell can't I?"-Or maybe you ask yourself: "Would I be happier if I started dating a penguin"

"I quote others only in order the better to express myself."

"I don’t want to develop—I want to evelop, because it’s more positive. Similarly, would you rather your love evolve or devolve? That’s why if you need me, I’ll be on the sofa trying to evelop myself as a person."

"Fig The proud oak wed a seedling figHe welcomed her caressThough round his lofty limbs she woundHe saw no need for distress.The fig enveloped all his trunkHer grip grew firm and tightThe oak withered in his arroganceAs she choked off his last light."

"Retail Haiku [7w] LollapaloozaLiquidation Blowout Sale.Everything Must Go!"

"25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'27 And the Lord did not ask him again."

"Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose."

"Patience is so valuable I'm willing to wait forever to achieve it. And while I wait, I may as well get busy being short-tempered."

"Well, that's an evil smile..."

"I was wasting my time, praying for love.For a love that never comes, from someone who does not exist."

"Now, I'm Not Born Yet [10w] I brought a sundial to a flight crossing the International-Date-Line."

"Whenever I think of something but can't think of what it was I was thinking of, I can't stop thinking until I think I'm thinking of it again. I think I think too much."

"Now, I have nothing against the public school system as it is presently organized, once you allow the humor of its basic assumption about how it is possible to teach things to children...."

"I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library."