#humor

"Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to grow as a person, you will water me with betrayal, abuse, neglect, derision, thievery, and possibly even torture."

"I had eggs for breakfast. I ate them off the hood of a politician’s car, after I threw them there."

"Jace shook his blond head in exasperation. "You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn't you? You couldn't just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do?"

"Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide."

"When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car."

"Cookie Cutter Criticism A critic tried to fit my sense of humor in a cookie cutter,but it wouldn't fit his preconceived shape of what comedy should be.So he pressed harder, and harder and harder until the cookie cutter cut a cookie shaperight through the palm of his hand.It doesn't hurt anymore when the critic tries to slap me in the face.There's no more hot-air resistance."

"rolf! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there for a sec while I KICK YOUR ASS."

"Say No to Drugs Commercials The image of an egg sizzling in a frying pan is not your brain on drugs.It's just a fucking omelet."

"Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment."

"Well? Is it true? Did she?""Did she what?""You know. Fall outta the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down?"

"Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can."

"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement."

"You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way.- Breeze"

"Women should have nipples on their butts. From a design perspective, I think it would revolutionize the fashion industry."

"Dsylıxǝa Hey, it isn't cool to make fun of people with Dsʎlıxǝaʎou dɯub pircʞ ¡!¡"

"Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers."

"I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?"

"He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times."

"I have a hundred-year-old aunt who aspires to sainthood, and whose only wish has been to go into the convent, but no congregation, not even the Little Sisters of Charity, could tolerate her for more than a few weeks, so the family has had to look after her. Believe me, there is nothing so insufferable as a saint, I wouldn't sic one on my worst enemy."

"The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise."