#humor

"When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back."

"Treasure isn’t always gold, silver, and gems. Sometimes it’s furry and purring. Happy Cuddle-with-your-cat Day!"

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

"The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes."

"Do you want some fresh tomato soup to go? I’ll put it in a mesh strainer. Oh, if only love were as easy to contain as soup in a strainer."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"My shadow follows me during the day, and then surrounds me at night as it clones itself into complete darkness. Now that’s self-love."

"Bean finds the best apple in our tree and hands it up to me. "You know what this tastes like when you first bite into it?"she asks. "No, what?""Blue sky.""You're zoomed.""You ever eat blue sky?""No,"I admit. "Try it sometime,"she says. "It's apple-flavored."

"I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up."

"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."

"Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto."

"Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, "I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition?"

"I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep."

"I give 110% in love. If that seems absurd, just know that I used presidential voting machines to calculate that number. It's totally legit."

"Seafood My body's just a shell,the world is my oyster ~and I'm getting a whale of appetiteright now for some delicious seafood ."

"For someone who is supposed to be a knight in shining armor, you're acting like an ass in aluminum foil."

"Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books."

"Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone."

"You didn't have to come after me.""Yes, I did,"he said. "You're far too inexperienced to protect yourself in a hostile situation without me.""That's sweet. Maybe I'll forgive you.""Forgive me? Fro what?""Fro telling me to shut up."His eyes narrowed. "I did not... Well, I did, But you were-""Never mind."

"FBI vs. CIA When a person works for the FBI for 20 years and retires,he gets a watch.When a person works for the CIA for 20 years and retires,he gets watched.I know this not because I'm in law enforcement or with the NSA ~I know this because I have HBO."