#humor

"Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies."

"I know - I'll play you for it,"Alice suggested. "Rock, paper, scissors."Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed."Why don't you just tell me who wins?"Edward said wryly.Alice beamed. "I do. Excellent."

"Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times."

"As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney."

"Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face."

"You are evidence of your mother's strength, especially if you are a rebellious knucklehead and regardless she has always maintained her sanity."

"Mended [10w] {Couplet} If the recently mended heart,breaks again, it shall not start."

"Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight."

"If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

"Men Be Forewarned! [20w] A man caught in the embrace of the wrong womanis like having his penis caught in a bear trap."

"So,"he called to her back, "Just out of curiosity, you know, purely conversation and all, at what age will you be entertaining offers of marriage?""You think it'll be so easy?"she called back over her shoulder. "No way. There will be tasks. Like in a fairy tale.""Sounds dangerous.""Very, so think twice.""No need,"he said. "You're worth it."

"To err is human, to purr is feline."

"I used my history degree about twice a year whether I needed to or not."

"Tell you what, you let me go, and I’ll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I’m slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me."

"I had a dream about you last night... You turned red, then green, and then blue. You told me you were trying to fit in with the m&m's."

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."

"Unless you're a lesbian... [10w] Feminism is not a sustainable position without giving up love."

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

"The slang for the rectum is "prison wallet"."

"What is God? [17] [10w] God has a fondness for cosmology and carbon-based life forms."