Jarod Kintz, I Want

"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."

"I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married."

"I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell"all the time."

"I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables."

"I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half."

"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."

"I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium."

"I want to merge a Phoenix with a Camel to create the world's first everlasting cigarette. It'll be a cigarette that rises from its own ashes, so you can keep smoking it indefinitely."

"I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium."

"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."

"I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes."

"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."

"I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible."

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world’s most perfect haiku."

"I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married."

"I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it."

"I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible."

"I want to get the words "Courage"and "Bravery"tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me."

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."