Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I'm finally ready to enter into organized crime."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops."

"I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines."

"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."