Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."

"I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was."

"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."

"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."

"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."

"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."

"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."

"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."

"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."

"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."

"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."

"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."