Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."

"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."

"I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."

"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."

"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff."

"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."

"This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep."

"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."

"I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops."