Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."

"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."

"Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name."

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."

"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."

"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."

"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."

"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."

"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."

"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."

"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."

"This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep."

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them."

"When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant."