Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was."

"If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt."

"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."

"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."

"They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."

"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."

"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."

"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."

"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."