"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."
JA
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
69 quotes
Quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."
"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."
"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."
"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."
"In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated."
"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."