Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

"Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head."

"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."

"I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?"

"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."

"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."

"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."

"Not only do I not believe in not believing in God, I’m also a big supporter of crutches, canes, walkers, and anything that helps support man through difficult times."

"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."

"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."

"The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type."

"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."

"All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line."

"Are you OK with pissing people off to succeed? Because that’s what will happen. Success pisses off the unsuccessful."

"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."

"All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born."

"Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet."

"More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement."

"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."