Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

"You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?"

"What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I'd be lying. Actually, I'm only pretending that you aren't on my mind. But I know that you don't mind."

"The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type."

"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."

"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."

"What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner and a loser."

"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."

"I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town."

"Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight."

"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."

"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."

"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."

"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."

"I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?"

"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."

"Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head."

"Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only."

"The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks."

"More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement."

"Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair."