Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."

"Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head."

"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."

"Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because I pray to God He’ll deliver pestilence and plague to the residents next door. I even tell God the exact address, as if He can’t read my heart. But it’s not for His benefit, it’s for my neighbors’."

"What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I'd be lying. Actually, I'm only pretending that you aren't on my mind. But I know that you don't mind."

"You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?"

"The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks."

"Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet."

"I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up."

"The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type."

"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."

"I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed."

"Are you OK with pissing people off to succeed? Because that’s what will happen. Success pisses off the unsuccessful."

"I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town."

"Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair."

"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."

"All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born."

"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."

"I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?"

"More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement."