Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"She plants love, and she grows roses. The fragrance of romance comes from the blossom that blooms in the heart."

"How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today is a clone of the you from yesterday."

"I meet people to know I’m not alone. I network like an astronaut on the moon."

"Love now, not later. Also, love later."

"I used to sell hellos by the wave until I found out Dark Jar Tin Zoo was reselling them on eBay as goodbyes. Now I’m a yawn distributor."

"Love is like 9.75 plus .25. That’s 10, for all of you people trying to add fractions on your fingers. I can only count using eight, because I’m too busy using my middle fingers to tell the politicians how much I love them."

"My feet are dense with dance. I move like I’m wearing concrete boots and I’m trying to tread water. If the music is salsa, I may start gargling."

"The best part about being a writer is being able to communicate with people without moving my lips. The mouth is better used for kissing."

"I wouldn’t feel great if you left me alone, but I wouldn’t feel bad either. I’d feel good, like I always do, which has nothing to do with you, even if you’ll have nothing to do with me."

"To show you I love you, I bought you an antique watch. You can tell it's old because it doesn't even work. I got a great deal on it."

"I’m 33, and an 18-year-old girl called me old. I said, “You may be temporarily young, but you’ll forever be childish.” Then I put gum in her hair."

"After soul searching, I found myself. Then I found myself giving of myself to a charity that finds missing children. It's great to be found."

"What reading level is the word love? It’s a four-letter word everybody knows the meaning of, but nobody can define it."

"With any new business deal, don’t think about how much you can afford to get—think about how much you can afford to give. A spirit of giving will allow you to get."

"If you converted a water fountain into a fire fountain, then you’d have what it takes to stoke the heat I have for you in my heart."

"I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them."

"Let’s get romantic and head to bed and make meatloaf all night long. I’ll wear my Ben Bernanke beard, because it fits me like a fur coat."

"A nugget of wisdom is more valuable than a nugget of gold—and considerably harder to pan out of a river. I’ll be 33 in March, and all I’ve found so far is fool’s gold. Still, I was able to trade it for political favors."

"Nothing carries meaning. People carry meaning. We are the porters of importance."

"Relationships are like water. If you grab tight, clamping and clenching to gain control, you’ll lose it all. Instead, cup your hand gently, so she feels free to drink until her thirst is quenched."