Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Trying to hide my feelings to avoid getting hurt just ends up hurting not only myself—but also the person I am hiding my feelings from."

"When I die, remember to remove my body from the cooler before you start making the hunch punch. But by all means, do get drunk on my memory."

"I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife."

"Instead of a vow of silence, I took a vow of invisibility. At that time you were looking for someone to love, and that’s why you couldn’t see me."

"A follow-up letter is best when not written on the back of a suicide note. Remember this next time you’re at a networking event, unless your new connection is a mortician."

"I'm hanging on to her memory like Spanish moss on an ancient Florida oak, and unlike the sunset, my love won't fade."

"The size of your sighs tell how deeply you’re in love. How I feel is very much like a stressed and distressed midget trying to breathe."

"It takes guts to love with gusto. Most people love as if they wish they were invisible, and then they wonder why their affections go unnoticed."

"Love is like 9.75 plus .25. That’s 10, for all of you people trying to add fractions on your fingers. I can only count using eight, because I’m too busy using my middle fingers to tell the politicians how much I love them."

"She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date we’ll knit the blanket we’ll make love under."

"I like eating extra-virgin coconut oil. That’s like super non-fucked coconut oil."

"Her love was too cold, like an anti-oven. That's called a freezer, and sometimes it burns food. She gave me heartburn, just like coffee, and it really woke me up to the reality of relationships."

"Telephone pole wires get in the way of great photos. Communication always gets in the way of communication."

"My reality is it’s nighttime. The truth is I’m just blindfolded. How many people live like me, in self-deluded darkness?"

"I love kiss whispers—kisspers. Loose lips are full of passionate secrets."

"Drinking coffee is like drinking an inverse yawn. I prefer mine with two spoonfuls of “I’m listening."

"I was gardening when I saw this snail/slug thing disguised as a leaf. Ah, isn't fall a wonderful time to slowly fall in love?"

"As a rule of thumb, hitchhiking is no fun. If you’re going to stand around waiting to move, you may as well get paid to hold a pawnshop sign."

"Be memorable. Say something unforgettable. Be silent."

"Love is 60% water, because a human being, the essence of love, is 60% water. But that’s the other 40% made up of? Easy—mint green tea and honey."