Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love."

"I have a tongue like a rose petal, and when I say I love you, it has the fragrance of truth. My words are my garden, and I’m planting our future."

"When you find yourself in hot water, what else can you do but make a spot of tea? I still have a spot of tea on my shirt from yesterday."

"I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my grandpa always used to say, “The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish."

"The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was."

"I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one."

"Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me."

"It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of time."

"My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening—it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive."

"Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing."

"If what you wear says more about who you are then what you say when you speak, then my advice is to keep quiet and wear loud clothing."

"My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk."

"Every morning I push through the pain—and force myself to keep sleeping, despite my aching body’s cries to quit. I am a champion."

"0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50, only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love."

"I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife."

"She makes my heart melt. There is a limited supply of sips, so grab a straw and start slurping while you can."

"This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch."

"I drank her essence, and it’s like she never existed and now I’m thirsty again. Let this be a lesson in love."

"On a scale of 1 to extroverted, I’m a 3.14159. So is pi. I network like “the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter.” Thanks, Wikipedia!"

"My heart only grows more powerful the more my flowing love goes unabsorbed, unobserved, and unappreciated."