humor

"You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my legs."

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."

"He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party."

"I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe."

"Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo.""And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand,"said Jace."

"Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing."

"Other than the voices in my head, I think I’m pretty normal."

"Your hair is still wet!"

"Incongruity, they say, is one of the main ingredients of humor. Maybe it's because everybody can feel superior to me. I honestly don't know."

"Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy —the joy of being Salvador Dalí— and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dalí going to accomplish today?"

"The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special."

"The rejection that we all take and the sadness and the aggravation and the loss of jobs and all of the things that we live through in our lives, without a sense of humor, I don't know how people make it."

"I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall."

"I think computer viruses should count as life ... I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image."

"Drinking coffee is like drinking an inverse yawn. I prefer mine with two spoonfuls of “I’m listening."

"Wit is an explosion of the compound spirit."

"If I ever have sex with someone I might be able to develop a sense of humor."

"I love the vulgar. I kind of have the humor of a 17-year-old boy."

"I wear a glove to honor all the men who have given me a hand. And to think, out of all those men, they only had one hand. No wonder I never get any high-fives."

"For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor."