humor

"In the household in which I was raised, the themes were pretty simple. 'Work hard. Don't quit. Be appreciative, be thankful, be grateful, be respectful. Also, never whine, never complain. And always, for crying out loud, keep a sense of humor.'"

"I'm saying that I'm a moody, insecure, narrow-minded, jealous, borderline homicidal bitch, and I want you to promise me that you're okay with that, because it's who I am, and you're what I need."

"I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me."

"Hard at work? I’ll give you a hand—my right hand. It’s a handshake, for networking and encouragement purposes. Keep it up!"

"Reading makes you ready for the world. A man who doesn’t read is a man who is easily deceived. You must find that man and make him sign a contract, and you must do it before Satan does. Trust me, the profits are HUGE!"

"Joe Barbera's s always complaining that he can't get humor into cartoons anymore. Just do it. You've got your money. Why do they let the networks run their lives?"

"People, generally, suck."

"One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards"or "Anna Karenina"when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want."

"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are."

"I had a dream about you. I told you I loved you, and you stopped folding clothes, turned to look me in my eyes, and replied, “The cat food on the moon is probably all dry.” Then I started crying, because up until that point I had no idea that I meant that much to you and I was overjoyed with raw emotion."

"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?' 'To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.' 'The dog did nothing in the night-time.''That was the curious incident,' remarked Sherlock Holmes."

"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward."

"I’m learning to play the saxophone so when you feel lonely I can come over and stand in the shadows and play it for you. Two is one too lonely for me."

"Cervantes is the most important Spanish writer. But he is not the most representative of the Spanish. His irony, his sense of humor - they are too subtle to seem Spanish."

"Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back."

"I still don't belong to anyone - I am mine."

"G.I. humor is similar to cop humor."

"During my darkest hour, life threw me some curves. Thankfully they were in the shape of a woman’s body."

"Robert Walker as Bruno was excellent. He had elegance and humor, and the proper fondness for his mother."

"All my failures as a human being I blame on my father. Life is about accepting responsibility, and it’s time my father started being held accountable for my deficiencies."